Top Gun and Cake - Part 1

No quote this time to segue into the blog. Sorry, I just couldn’t find one that incorporated Top Gun and cake.

It is mid-December already, signaling the near ending of another year. Another twelve months of my life has passed, and as always during this time of year, I look back on what I’ve done to see if there has been any progress. At a quick glance, the score appears to be - World: 1, Jeremy: 0. I know what you’re thinking, Oh great, another emo post, how original. Yet, secretly you’re intrigued. Your reading speed increases as you desperately race from one word to the next if for no other reason than to comprehend the sentences that spell out my emotional turmoil. Perhaps it’s some sadistic schadenfreude you try to hide. Perhaps you’re just as emo. Perhaps it is all. Perhaps it is none. Perhaps.

Either way, we’re two weeks into December and the normal “rush” that occurs during this time of year is definitely in full effect. It’s a global – well okay, not global, but definitely widespread – sprint to the finish line, all while trying to tie up loose ends and accomplish last year’s resolutions. For me, I currently feel like I’m in the eye of the storm; two turbulent weeks have passed, and two more turbulent weeks are ahead. A lot of the flurry has revolved around work, and work-related drama. I’ll elaborate, since you’re probably curious as to what it’s all about, but to protect the innocent, real names will be replaced with characters from the hit 80s movie Top Gun. Yes, I know Top Gun is probably the most overtly homosexual movie ever created but it’s still one of my favorite movies of all time. Deal with it.

There’s been a lot of tension amongst us pilots. A lot of towers have been buzzed, hard decks broken, and abandoning of wingmen. Hollywood and Wolfman have stocked the hanger with missiles, while Merlin was too close for missiles and had to switch to guns. Iceman and Slider engaged and successfully splashed multiple bogies, however, couldn’t get a good tone on many. Goose was killed. Viper is trying to get Maverick to fly with Jester, though Mav is already feeling the need for speed.

Okay…that didn’t play out as well as it did in my head. Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire.

*Insert awesome literary segue*

Dealing with all the drama, both in and out of the work place, has led me to see that the older I get, the more I realize the immensity of my emotional capacity. I find myself always trying to do the right thing, when there are times I know in my heart that I want to go in a different direction. It’s a constant battle between heart and mind, whose battle lines become clearer as I mature in my young adult life. I've been fighting. Fighting for something that I don't know is even there. However, the sheer act of fighting for something gives my life purpose, a goal, a milestone to strive for and eventually surpass. The optimist in me fuels my desire, accelerates my ambition, but can possibly be my greatest fall. I set myself up for something great or something terribly miserable. It's a risk I'm willing to take. It's been a risk I have always taken, throughout my life. However, I never really noticed this trend until recently. Nothing worthwhile materializes without taking that risk. It's what keeps existence exciting, boundless.

Three years ago, I would have told you I was 100% happy with my life. A loving family, amazing friends, and someone who loved me and that I loved back. Picture perfect, but in the inside, I think I knew the life I was leading wasn't as pristine as I thought it to be. It's naive to think your life is ever perfect (so maybe I'm slightly pessimistic after all). Perfection is an illusion that is reinforced by society, your friends, even your own mind. I don't think I'll ever reach that 100% goal, but I want to die trying. Life is about the journey and my definition of love and life is ever changing. I have learned so much of myself in the past few years. The way I handle things now, differs so greatly than the way I would in the past. I just hope that one day I'll be able to release what has embedded itself so deeply in my heart. I guess that’s what I'm fighting for; a chance to expose my heart, bleeding, in the open.

I feel like some of the most trying and important days of my life are still yet to come. All there is left is to hope for the strength to carry on and prevail. To quote The Matrix, “Hope – it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength and your greatest weakness.” Some dreams refuse to die. Some souls never know when the cause is lost. Such ignorance can be truly awe-inspiring.

End of part 1.