[Author's Note: This post was started on 3/26/11. It's currently 11/08/11. I know I will never finish this post the way it was originally intended to be, so I've decided to just post it the way it is and be done with it. Part of the post is written while the remaining part is in its raw outline/notes form. I guess this is a perfect example of procrastination.]
I stumbled upon an article today at work about how the idea of perfection is a leading cause of procrastination. As mentioned in my previous post, I tend to hold myself to very high standards when it comes to my blog entries (albeit sometimes those standards waiver) and I find myself editing and revising half entries before they're even finished. For me the worthiness of this entire blog - and my success as a "writer" - is contingent on the highest set of standards and benchmarks that I most likely will never meet. In my mind, regardless of what I'm writing about, there are a set of criteria that must always be met.
It has to be interesting. I know that since this is a personal blog, I should write because I want to and that I should write for me. But there are times when I can't shake the feeling that whatever I write will just come off as boring and stupid. It's weird because I find myself reading other people's blogs and following their day to day lives, but when it comes to putting my own life down in words, I fear that it'll never be as good or as captivating as everyone else's. Which is why if I'm going to write something, I have to make it interesting. If it's interesting for me to read, there's a chance that it'll be interesting for someone else (at least that's what I tell myself). The sad reality is that my life is pretty boring. It's very routine and there's usually nothing interesting about routine.
I have to be inspired. This is a huge thing for me. I can't write about something that I'm not passionate about - or at the very least - something that has some kind of importance to me. My worst papers in high school or college were on topics that I didn't care about. Conversely, my best writing always stems from something that I've connected to or feel strongly about. [Tangent: I used to write a lot in high school; random things like poetry or short stories. Come to think of it, I was pretty emo back then, I just didn't know it. I recently found all these old random pieces of writing that I had done back when I was a teen - some of it was inspiring, some of it clever, but most of it was emo crap about the heartaches that is "high school romance." I had a collection of these pieces called Doodles From My Brain. How lame!]
If a post doesn't meet both of the requirements, it's not posted. It is usually deleted more often than not. Sometimes I feel like Richard Blaise from Top Chef who hates everything he creates because he feels it's not good enough. I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round with certain key events that just keep playing over and over again.
Outline/key points:
A) I'm holding myself to super high standards.
B) I have no guarantee that I'll do well enough to meet my standards.
C) Anything less than the best is not an option.
D) I stress myself out because I feel uncomfortable knowing that I'm not doing something good enough.
E) I don't like the stress of feeling uncomfortable.
F) I give up and evade my discomfort be doing something "safer" - like play computer games.
